Dear Carol,
I remember you! You're that girl who used to play the piano so nicely. You knew the chocolate chip cookie recipe by heart and baked often. You had a bit of an athletic streak (nothing major) and exercised regularly. You ran a book club and you read when you wanted. You had friends! A career!
No? That's not you? You're being modest. Sure it is.
Oh but yes, I do see you there, in the kitchen, surrounded by dirty dishes, near a basket of clean laundry that came off the clothesline days ago, and paused in front of the oven that you started preheating an hour ago. And I hear your children squabbling, asking for food, and barraging you with the complaints of the chronically needy. Somewhere in the distance, a cat is puking on the carpet. You're not feeling very much like yourself.
You have been interrupted.
You are interrupted throughout the day in every task. You've been writing this post in installments for hours! But what I actually mean is that YOU have been interrupted. You.
You are not able to carry on as if you're not now the mother of three small children. Because you are! You have those little ones! And they need you so much - for almost everything. You feel trapped. Caught by those lovely little creatures who can't bear to leave you out of their sight.
You are in the trenches of motherhood. The trenches feel endlessly long and no one is ever sure if or when they will emerge. And, should you outlast the trenches, will you remember the way things used to be? Will you be able to regain those proficiencies? Will you be you?
I know how you feel. It's actually normal! Though I know that doesn't make you feel any better. These kids that you've been blessed with - you do understand that it's a blessing - do require your love and leadership. And your patience. They are very hungry little people, aren't they? And they all seem to need to poop at precisely the same time. You hate that! When they're not on the potty, they're asking you to play with them or or fighting with each other. You are very busy, and the free, independent Carol has been interrupted.
But I promise you, these children will continue to grow. They will become independent and you will be so proud of them. You'll be proud of yourself for the lives you've launched. You'll treasure your memories, even the ones from the trenches. Most likely, you will be unable to feel like the Carol you used to be. But that's because you'll find you've been enriched. Enhanced. Upgraded to a Carol who loves better and lives harder. You'll be fine, my dear. Hang in there.
Love,
Carol
